Letting Myself Breathe

PROLOGUE: I’ve been trying to publish this post since Tuesday, but have been having technical difficulties with my blog. Something about missing SSL certificates, whatever the heck that is. But thanks to lots of time chatting with tech support, it looks like I’m back up and running. It was the perfect pairing for this week – an overwhelming frustration that I took just one day at a time and got through without blowing up! And now on to the blog post that kept getting longer every day that I couldn’t publish it….!

I decided to take last week off from blogging because I’ve been feeling the urge to withdraw a bit and really think about what I want to do here. I often reinvent this space as my own personal seasons change. Usually I’ll resist the urge for a while and go silent for months on end, thinking that this is a book blog and only bookishness can be discussed. But I love blogging and want this to be a dynamic and inspirational space, and that includes real life ups and downs!

I’ve barely read over the last couple of weeks. I knew this would happen eventually – I started the reading year off at a strong pace and now I’ve dropped off quite a bit. I’m also easing off on other goals that I’ve set for myself (blogging, writing, etc) because I’ve noticed how much nicer things are for me when I don’t try to push myself too hard.

I’ve just reached the 33-week mark in this third pregnancy, which has been very hard on me physically and emotionally. I’m also a mama to two rambunctious and precocious boys. They take a lot of my energy and need constant attention. I can’t be the mother that I want to be when I’m feeling myself pulled in twelve different directions. I’ve been working hard to stay in the moment, to put my phone away when I’m not at work, to show grace to myself when I feel my frustration and anger bubble to the surface, and to give myself permission to not think about all of those other goals that I set for myself. And what makes it all worth it? My oldest said to me the other day, “You’re so cozy, mommy.” Could it get any better?!

But that’s so hard when you identify with being an achiever. Shifting my mindset from reaching goals and completing tasks to considering an achievement something as simple as not yelling at bedtime has been quite the adjustment.

I’ve ben thinking about this a lot since I did my weekly tarot reading on Monday:

Isn’t that an awesome spread? It helps me to remember to embrace the mother inside of me and focus on everything that I have, rather than the things I want. A happy mother makes a happy home and that IV of swords reminds me to take breaks and retreat when I am feeling overwhelmed or have too many emotions to process, which has been happening a lot lately.

So I have library books that are being returned without being read – and I’m letting myself be okay with that. I cleaned up not one, but TWO overturned bowls of taco meat on our carpeted floor earlier this week without completely losing my cool, and instead focused on the independence my two-year-old is learning by feeding himself. I’m paying attention to the crocuses that are blooming in the front yard, and all of the spring bulbs that are starting to peek out at me – tulips, daffodils, hyacinths, and a few irises (and one bloomed on Thursday!). I have little piles of books that are accumulating on the floor, which normally would drive me crazy but seem to make the boys so happy to play with. I’m sure I’ll be picking those up soon, but tonight? Nope – tonight I’m going to take it easy and do things that fill up my own cup.

I’ve been knitting a lot. I finally finished my Flamingo Flavor shawl and am just over the moon. I’m not sure when one reaches the point of having too many shawls and I have no idea how many I have (at least 10?), but I haven’t gotten there yet. I’ve worn it to work every day this week and don’t want to ever take it off! I’m ogling sweater patterns on Ravelry to cast on for the spring/summer so that I’ll be ready for fall layers. But first I’m planning to knit a few things from my stash for the new baby, since I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to finish a quilt in time for the birth. I’ve been itching to sew too, but it’s just too difficult to get into that sewing room at night when the boys are in bed. Maybe I’ll find a space solution at some point, just not yet.

And now that I’m actually posting this, it’s Friday! I’m looking forward to the weekend and to Easter. We plan to do a small egg hunt and have my sister in law over for a yummy meal. Nothing stressful or over the top. Just a lovely and hygge weekend. I wish the same for you!