In January I wrote about my intention to get walking every day. I failed. Miserably. I still haven’t gone on a single walk. I tried one day but the trails were solid ice and I worried about falling with the baby in the carrier, even with spikes on my shoes. I sort of gave up after that but have kept the task on my habit tracker, despite knowing that I would never check it off. It’s been something of a self-inflicted punishment to see it listed every day without marking it as complete.
I realize that I’m being much harder on myself than any other human could possibly be. I took inspiration from Maggie Whitley’s recent post, which reminded me that chasing those children (with another child on the hip) IS exercise. And of course, chasing those children is what informs everything about my life, including what I sit down to write. I wish that fact would penetrate into my soul.
But of course, I want to walk for the inspiration I’ve been craving, not for exercise. For an opportunity to work through the knots of my life with some quiet meditation, accompanied only by the sound of my labored breath and a sleeping (I hope?!) baby.
Inspiration is found within the life I live.
I don’t need to walk to be inspired – it’s here, within these walls. In the late nights with a crying middle bug who has an awful time sleeping. In the school runs when it feels like the chaos is on the verge of spilling out everywhere and I want to cry but somehow keep a smile plastered across my face. In the early mornings when I’m nursing the baby back to sleep, but wanting to get back to my desk to journal or to write. Those are the truths I need to dig into. To figure out how to work through. The knots that need to be untied.
As much as I want to get into the habit of walking, I can’t just add another thing to my to-do list. My life needs flexibility and usually that means that I take the backseat. That’s okay – everything will shake out. And there are other ways to find the words that always seem just out of grasp. I’ve kept up with my goal to write a few words everyday and that helps a lot. Even if all of the words end up erased and I never push “publish,” the act of sitting helps.
Humor. Grace. Forgiveness. Today I’ll try to offer those three gifts to everyone I meet, including myself.