A Broken Record

Good evening, gentle friends. I’m checking in despite the late hour. I don’t tend to publish posts this time of day and I’m sure you’ll see why when you read this post, but I didn’t want to skip today. This post is a little more personal than usual so please feel free to ignore if you’re here for the knitting or bookish content!

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I know many of us are concerned with the privacy of our children and how much we put out on the internet about them. That concern multiplies when there are special needs thrown in the mix, so it’s difficult for me to share the reality of life these days. But in short, although the clocks haven’t officially shifted, the sun is certainly running on a different schedule and that’s creating some havoc in our home. Nights are hard; mornings are full of irritations; evenings are spent exhausted. For everyone here! And due to a series of unfortunate events, we had to push pause on therapy for Colton and parent trainings for us and that has translated to an unpredictable summer.

So I’ll be a broken record and say that the weekend didn’t go as planned and neither has my morning writing time. I keep trying to find time to catch up and can’t quite count on the time I expect to have. And that’s okay — all of the frustration, chaos, weeping, and disjointedness feeds into my ever-changing attitude and perspective. It has already changed my outlook and thoughts in so many ways; there is still a long way to go.

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What’s helping? I’m leaning into my notebooks and journaling, ensuring that I have engrossing books nearby, and that easy knitting projects are almost always within arm’s reach. I’ve also had lots of homemade lattes using my moka pot — and don’t worry, I’m tracking my water intake as well and it’s well over the recommended amount.

I’m also trying to remember my two most leaned-upon life lessons:

1. Nothing lasts forever – no meltdown, no strong feeling, no sadness or elation. It will all pass and does not have to be an indicator for my entire day/week/life.
2. I have no control over anyone or anything else – and I can choose a different reaction, a different strategy, a different outlook, a different path within every second. I can leave every interaction with my dignity intact no matter how difficult it is.

Adding to this melancholy is the devastating news I learned earlier this evening about someone who has worked closely with us for the last year and has helped me through some very difficult times. As hard as this shock has been for me, I know that it’s so much harder for her right now. So I’m trying to apply those two life lessons above to the strong feelings I’m having about this situation, on top of everything else we’ve been managing over the summer.

We are all walking around with our own broken hearts and deep grief. We never know what’s going on behind closed doors and how profoundly our words can impact others. Kindness matters, especially in the world we’re living in now.

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I hope to be back on Wednesday with a little more positivity and normalcy. And I hope your week has started off well! I’m going to do my best to catch up with all of you but I know that you’ll all show me grace and forgiveness, just as you always have. Thank you for always being such good friends!