The funniest thing about this post is that I started it on July 30th! And here I am, still working on a post about making time for the things that charge my batteries. A year ago I would have been furious with myself. Today? I’m practicing loving-kindness towards myself and finding amusement in the whole situation.
Relatively recently, I wrote a post about making room for the things I love. It was about letting go of some of the “should keeps” to make physical room to display the things that bring joy into my life. I failed to take that post to the next step, which is to look at how to make time for what I love! What can I let go of to make sure that I can spend a little bit of time every day on things that are just for me?
And that’s no easy task lately. Most recently, I’ve only left the house by myself to go to the dentist. I have to show my face at work once a month or so, which is something I’ve been doing on my own. I also go to the library every two weeks without the whole crew in tow. Other than that: car seats have to be filled, diaper bags have to be packed, and children have to be led to the minivan if I’m going anywhere. So often it’s much easier to just stay home and ask my husband to run to the grocery store for a restock.
I long for nap time as a chance to sit down and knit a few rows of my sweater in progress. To press my fingers on the keys of my laptop to write a few lines in my blog, which I sorely miss. I think I would cry in ecstasy if I were able to drag my sewing machine out. I want to go out and care for our animals and grow our little wannabe farm. But as soon as one baby is asleep, another wakes up and my attention shifts. That’s okay – these days are short and I want to enjoy my children as much as possible. I am working on being okay with never finishing anything because one day… well, there won’t be diapers to change, lunches to pack, scrapes to kiss, babies to rock, children to chase, strollers to pack, blocks to pick up, cloth diapers to wash, tantrums to soothe, school drop off to wait for, or board books to read aloud. And then what will I do? Will it be enough to go to work everyday and read 100 books a year with all of this found time? Or will I still feel like I’m not doing enough and not achieving much in life? It’s very likely to be the latter.
Which is why I have to keep reminding myself that my happiness isn’t found in all of my “achievements.” It’s about recognizing the joy right in front of me. My worth isn’t in how many books I finish this year, but in the spirit I bring to my family and my home. It doesn’t matter if I finish a certain number of knitting projects or quilts, it’s the joy that I find in the process that lifts me up, fills my bucket, and allows me to be the best mother and wife that I can be.
Fall is starting to show itself, so that helps me a lot. Time to start watching the leaves change and to make hot cups of tea to curl up with. We’re also looking forward to our annual early morning drive to the mountains to admire the foliage and pack up bagels and lox with hot thermoses of coffee to nourish our fall desires. My oldest started Kindergarten and there has been a lot of trials and tribulations associated with that which I won’t go into on here – yet. The house is quiet in this moment – we’ve all been sick, so my husband is getting some rest before going into work tonight and both babies at home are napping, which never happens. I’m trying to soak in the silence as I look out the window at my favorite weather: cloudy and rainy. Life might not be everything I want it to be right now, but it is good.